This week has been emotions galore week. Luckily it wasn’t a Hulk sort of week filled with angry thoughts, feelings and emotions, but it was definitely a tearful week to say the least. My Weird Wonderful Brain was just completely emotionally drained.
I usually manage to walk around in that iron thick armour relatively well (or so I like to think), but this week, that armour felt way too heavy for me to carry around. I had to start taking some pieces off to lighten up my load and with it came an uncontrollable waterfall of tears on quite a few occasions.
It wasn’t an “I'm feeling completely broken” sort of sadness, but I was feeling like the flow of emotions bottled up at the top of the waterfall could no longer resist its natural course which was to start trickling down.
The flow was pretty intense at times. To slow down that flow I tried deep breathing, reasoning things around me and reasoning my thoughts, "decatastrophising" and I even gently pinched my skin in the hope of helping slow down the build up of those emotions, but it felt like I simply had no control over that flow.
So the tears rolled down. They rolled down while at home, while out walking, while writing, while watching tv, while laying down in bed at night, while talking to family and friends, while driving and even in the midst of personal and work related meetings. I thought to myself what a mess and how embarrassing is this...where are all those tears coming from?
Am I too tired?
Have I taken on too much?
Have I ignored these emotions for too long?
Has the perfect storm that was looming out at sea finally reached the shore while I took my eyes off it for a tiny wee bit too long?
There is probably a bit of truth in all those questions. I also know that there is that deep fear of failing some of the people that I love the most at the moment. Perhaps I have underestimated how much this has also affected me and taken a toll on me? Then, followed the guilt of not being able to wear that iron thick armour at a time when they need me. It was simply overwhelming.
So the tears rolled down my cheeks...again and again. I strongly believe that it’s ok to let them go, it’s what makes us human. At times, they also bring clarity and allow me to come to some sort of resolution. Should I have kept trying to wear that iron thick armour of mine, perhaps the collateral damage would have been much worst further down the road? There is also a lot to be said and learnt from standing back on my feet, unharmed, once the tears start slowing down...well that’s the narrative that I tell myself anyway.
I know I am a strong individual and I believe more and more that being strong is also accepting to be ok with having weak moments. In case you wonder, the tears haven’t quite completely stopped yet, but I’ve started regaining some control and the emotional bucket of my Weird Wonderful Brain is slowly filling itself back up. I’ll pause and wait until I'm a bit stronger before I gradually start putting that iron thick armour of mine. I quite liked the lightness of just allowing me to be me...even beyond the tears.