Tonight I’m tired...I know I have to keep trying to focus on the positive but the constant set backs are hard to manage. Those set backs can also take many shapes and juggling them isn’t easy at all. Some will say that if you take two steps forward and then one step back, that you are still one further ahead compared to where you originally were, and technically, it is absolutely correct. However, moving backwards in a fast pace world is still pretty frustrating. At some point in our lives we have all fallen on that snake that takes us from the last row at the “Snakes and Ladders” game to the bottom row and it’s never a nice feeling to feel like you have to start all over again. It’s not nice to have to think that in order to have a chance at winning the game, others may also have to suffer the same fate. I don’t wish people bad things, that’s simply not me.
So tonight I’m tired. I’ve unfortunately started over thinking things and I’m wondering why parts of what feels like an already very small world seems to be falling apart once more. I’m thinking what have I done wrong this time? Why am I only getting fed partial bits of information? Why do things feel so uncertain right now? Why am I not able to put these silly worries in a bubble and to watch them float away? Sounds simple enough to do right? I’ve been brave before and I’ve tried to address so many of those worries, but right now it feels as though I’m back to square one all over again.
The clock now says 2 am and I’m still lying down in bed wide awake knowing perfectly that I’m self sabotaging tomorrow by not drifting away, by not allowing Mr. Sandman to do its magic. Somehow, my weird wonderful brain is trying to piece things back together. It’s trying to make sense of some things knowing perfectly that it’s not likely to happen...particularly if I can’t find it in me to ask the right questions.
I’ve tried the deep breathing, I’ve tried the gentle stretching, I’ve tried getting up to get a sip of water, I’ve tried the bed swapping and now I’m writing things down in the hope that it will help me move on. In doing so, I’m naming those feelings that I’m experiencing and that are keeping me from the sleep that my weird wonderful brain desperately needs on a daily basis in order to operate somewhat normally...or at least, as best as this new normal will allow. I feel hurt, I feel misunderstood, I feel unimportant, I am disappointed and I feel sad. I want to move forward and release the power those feelings have had on me for the past 4-5 hours.
Naming and writing them down seems to have helped a bit for now. I’ve acknowledged those feelings and they have lost some of their powers. I should have done that hours ago! I’m finally starting to feel at peace again and I even feel like I could drift away right now. So for tonight, I need to leave it at that, acknowledge that this time has passed and to start fresh tomorrow. With the lack of sleep, tomorrow will no doubt be a rough day, so I’m reminding myself in advance to be kind to myself when the sun comes up again.
Forward is forward...and you can’t go back in time.